Alli

While we've had so much time at home over the past 6 weeks, my mind has had "extra time" to think about things around me...not always in a positive, optimistic way. One thing I noticed during my time at home was how Alli's spine was feeling a bit bony. I convinced myself that she was dying but laughed it off because it seemed a bit dramatic (who me??) and she was eating/drinking/outputting fine. I also noticed that her claws were getting long to the point that she was getting caught on the blanket on the bed (even to the point of falling awkwardly while jumping down once) and you could hear her walking on the carpet and wood floors, which I'd never noticed before. Her regular "laying location" had moved to the top of the stairs for the first couple weeks home, but then it became a towel by the back door in the dining area, which was nice to have her downstairs during the day since that's where we all were too! Then I noticed (aka worried) that she wasn't coming upstairs much and was pretty slow coming up. She also hadn't jumped into bed with me since she'd gotten snagged on the blanket. The day that she snagged my pants 4 times was kindof the breaking point in calling the vet. I prefaced the call by saying I hoped I wasn't the first Crazy Corona Cat Lady who called in with worries about her cat since having so much extra time at home to overthink. I asked that the vet call me to talk about her claws and boniness. After speaking with the vet, we made an appointment to have her claws trimmed (possibly longer due to not going outside as much and scratching them on tree bark) and do some bloodwork to see if she was losing weight due to hyperthyroidism or something else. I had to wait in the car for the vet to call due to their new Corona guidelines and was devastated by the news. The vet said her weight had dropped from 6.2 lbs at her last visit, down to 4.5 lbs and she had felt a tumor on Alli's liver (the organ that almost took her from us 2 years ago). She said there wasn't anything that we could do besides give her pain meds if we wanted to but that she hadn't seemed in pain during her examination. She hoped we could get as much as a month or two at home with her. After that knowledge, her health really seemed to spiral downward over the next week. She wasn't eating much of her food anymore (while seeming HYPER interested in what we were eating), meowed a lot but a different kind of meow, wasn't jumping up but would slip when she jumped down on her own, she became wobbly while she walked and would stumble while stepping out of the back door (5"). Later in the week she would fall over while walking, stopped cleaning herself, was barely eating, and started having accidents on the carpet. With hurting hearts we called the vet to learn how we would be able to tell if she was in pain and signs to know that it was "time." The next two days/nights were rough. At 10:30 one night I heard her meowing and found her at the bottom of the stairs. She hadn't been upstairs at all for a couple weeks! I brought her carrier ("comfort" place to be since her vet appointment) and food upstairs to our room but she meowed weirdly through most of that night. The next night she wobbled under the bed (the dark place the vet mentioned) and we weren't sure we'd get her to come out. When she wasn't eating, couldn't walk, barely drank, continued to meow weirdly, and didn't come out of her carrier, we felt like it was time. 

We hung onto hope every time we'd hear her purr or see her interest in going outside.

Just please eat SOMETHING!! Milk? Tuna? Treats in the morning? Whatever you want!!

Milk out of our cup? Sure! OK!

The next 4 pictures were taken on Willow's birthday (5 days after we learned about the tumor, 4 days before we let her go). You can really tell how scraggly and skinny she had become.

It's painful to even look back at this one.

 I really soaked up my time with her in my lap anytime she would!

We sat on the kitchen floor for 90 minutes the day before we took her in for the final time. 

I've posted about how she came into our life and our HOME here and a "day in the life" here so there's no need to explain how much she's been a part of our family for the past 14 years. The risk of loving Alli unconditionally for those 14 years was the absolute heartbreak of saying goodbye.

Being at home without her is ridiculously hard. In the rare moments when I'm not conscious of her not being with us any longer, I go looking for her to pet her. The simple idea of putting her food, treats, and litter out for our neighbor leaves me in a puddle of tears....longing for her to lay in my lap one more time (and retelling it to Chris brings me right back to tears). It was sweet to go through 14 years of pictures and videos but then I lost it as I hit "Post" on Facebook. It leaves a pit in my stomach to hear Owen have to pause in his usual dinner prayer at the point where he'd thank God for Alli. I noticed a bird on the table outside the back door during dinner and really wanted to go out and pet it. I haven't been able to take a nap since she left since it brings up too many emotions of her napping with me. Weird noises that my stomach makes remind me of sounds she would make. I can't go in the garage without glancing over at her litter box to see if it needs cleaned. I am hopeful that this emotional roller coaster will calm down over time and the years of joyful memories will numb the pain of her loss.

Here's a video of some of my favorite pictures/videos over the past 14 years.

 And here's the healthy face we'll remember (my favorite picture of her).